This is Jeopardy!

Every 4 years Americans are entertained by that bloodsport we call politics. Many enter. Most beclown themselves. One becomes a president of america.

Many factors factor into who becomes the a president of america. Of all the factors, perhaps the factor that factors in more than any other factor is endorsements: whose got ‘em, who wants ‘em, who has ‘em. While the media believes the most important endorsements come from The Politicians, it is. also true that other endorsements are important.

America is a gambling nation, as many have noted. And what better gambling is there, in today’s television-obsessed day, than the classic game show?


So as we turn towards 2016, and the election of a president of 2016, we turn towards our nation’s gameshow hosts to see who they give the endorsements to.

Pat Sajak

Pat Sajak Don Trump
Goblin Sajak Arch-Goblin Trump

Sajak and Trump share many qualities. Both are uncomfortably orange. Both have appeared in TV for years. Both are detestable goblins.

Add that to their shared skepticism of global warming, and it’s a sure thing.

Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey John Kasich
Fucksuck Steve Harvey Disgusting John Kasich

They both absolutely hate women.

Alex Trebek

Alex Trebek Bernie Sanders
Alex 'Alec' Trebek Demi-Canadian Bernie Sanders

While one might expect Canadian Trebek to side with fellow Canadian Canadian Ted Cruz, most people don’t realize that Trebek has long struggled to end income inequality. Detail-focused Trebek ensured from the very first episode of Jeopardy! that all contestants recieved some prize, whether that be a trip to an Americanized foreign resort or a few measly thousands of bucks siphoned off the bought-and-paid-for media.

Plus, imagine how funny Bernie would be on Jeopardy!. “What is ahhhh, bill-yon-airs?”, “What is Wall Street? It’s robbers and thieves, stealing from owah middle class” (He’d be so bad at Jeopardy!)

Drew Carey

Drew Carey ?
Drew Carey ?
Carey and Clinton share more than the first letter of their last name. They're both experienced and have been rock-steady constants on television since the 90s. Drew supports libraries, as does Clinton, the former host of *Whose Line Is It Anyway?* encourages women in sports, just like the former Secretary of State, and they have both demonstrated a great love for America's armed forces.

UPDATE 2016-03-11:

Drew Carey saw this and responded. I am sorry for misunderstanding and I will endeavor to bring my journalistic standards up in the remaining months of this election. My sincerest apologies to Mr. Carey for misrepresenting his political opinions. I am sorry for any offense I have caused. I have reached out asking for an accurate endorsement and will update this post as appropriate.

Chuck Woolery

Chuck Woolery Tom Cruz
Chuck Woolery Ted Cruz

An alleged fan of small government, Woolery spent years intricately involved in dictating the sex lives of strangers. He seems to delight in being intesely unlikable, like fellow disgusting voyeur Ted Cruz.

Regis Philbin

Regis Philbin Marco Rubio
Elfin Regis Philbin The Diminuitive Marco Rubio

Despite the 58-year age difference, Regis and Marco have a lot in common. Philbin and Rubio are both supposedly liked, yet neither have been able to prove they have real fans. Philbin, unfortunately, is unable to give a true endorsement, as he has been trapped in a time-loop since 1999. When Election Day comes, and you hear Regis Philbin say “Marco Rubio. That’s my final answer”, remember that for the last 17 years, Philbin has been trapped in a hellish Sisyphean cycle of Live! with Regis and Kathie Lee and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire tapings. If you at any point hear his voice, it is only as a disembodied spirit, crying for help across the cosmos and echoing through the years.

Vanna White

Vanna White Hillary Clinton Ted Cruz
Vanna White Hillary Clinton Ted Cruz

Much controversy and excitement surrounds the forth-coming Vanna White presidential endorsement. It appears that she has two competing interests.

On the one hand, she’s a woman who’s been in the public eye for decades, and has faced no end of disgusting sexist criticism. Despite, again, literally decades of superb execution at her job, she has had to endure media attention focused solely on her appearance and fashion choices.

On the other hand, she is extremely concerned about gay people and a foreign-sounding religion, which puts her squarely in the Cruz camp.

There are other game show hosts we haven’t heard from yet. Will they endorse one of these great candidates for a president? Some of the famous names still to make a pronouncement are Howie Mandell, Richard Dawson, Tom Bergeron, and Monty Hall, but some of them are dead and others are just waiting for the reaper’s inevitable icy touch, taking them to the Great Audience in the Sky, where God-Satan makes all souls play games of chance and skill, in which winners take home a brand new ‘03 Toyota Corolla, and losers are doomed to an eternity of watching Steve Harvey’s Family Feud.

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